For too long the good-hearted souls of the viola section have been the butt of their violin colleagues' humour - and sense of superiority. To turn the tables we've asked around to find some of the best violin jokes so that viola players can now have the last laugh:
What separates viola players from the apes?
The second violins.
How do you get two violinists to play in unison?
Shoot one.
Why are violinists always playing scales?
They can't remember the tune.
'The difference between violin and viola is that the viola is a violin with a college education.' (Attributed to William Primrose)
Why are most viola jokes so short?
So that violinists can remember them.
What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so big.
A string trio dies in a car crash and goes to heaven. St. Peter asks them all, 'What did you do with your life?' The cellist says, 'I taught people the beauty of music,' and is allowed to enter. The violist says, 'I taught people the joy of music,' and is allowed to enter. The violinist says, 'I was a concertmaster and I believe you're in my seat.'
How many second violins does it take to change a light bulb?
None - they can't get up that high.
A young violinist goes to a famous violin teacher and asks, 'How much is a lesson?' The teacher replies, 'I charge £100 for three questions.' 'Wow, isn't that quite expensive?' exclaims the violinist. The teacher answers, 'And what is your third question?'
How many violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change the light bulb and nine to rotate the chair they're standing on.
How do you shut up a violinist?
You don't.
David Oistrakh, Nathan Milstein and Jascha Heifetz are in a balloon that's falling to earth. Who gets saved?
Mozart.
Cellists, viola players and bassists all have conventions where they get together once a year to meet up. Why don't violinists?
They do - it's just that they call them 'competitions'.
How many violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change the light bulb and nine to bitch about how they could have done it faster and better.
Read: The history of the viola joke
This article was first published in The Strad's May 2011 issue.
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