Opinion: Solving issues with your students’ parents over coffee

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One of the most powerful ingredients in the making of a successful one-to-one teacher–student dynamic is undoubtedly the building of a positive working relationship between the teacher and student.

However, if the student is very young, as my students tend to be, this working relationship inevitably has to include the accompanying parent and/or guardian to a greater or lesser degree. It may be that they sit in on the lesson, perhaps taking notes or working quietly on a laptop, or that they drop off the student and return at the end of the lesson time. Either way there is a bit of initial chit-chat, usually between me and the parent, before my attention turns solely to the student, then a brief goodbye at the end.

Whether the parent is in the teaching studio or not, I have occasionally found that an issue can present itself that is out of the ordinary. As teachers we are used to reading our pupils’ personalities and gauging what motivates each one, but there have been four or five times in my teaching career when I have been unable to get to grips with a problem or fathom what is going on in a student’s wider life that may be affecting their work. It is often said by teacher associations that one-to-one teaching is isolated and potentially isolating, and this is the kind of situation where this viewpoint has resonated with me most.

These scenarios are generally one-offs. It isn’t just that students come unprepared (something I wouldn’t have a problem mentioning to a parent in front of a student). To give an example, I had a student who was potentially excellent but would obstruct, prevaricate and self-sabotage to a pretty extreme degree if there was any perceived pressure, and there have been other times when I have suspected that there might be wider learning difficulties. There have also been a couple of times where I have had a talented student who I thought might take an audition that could set their cello playing off on a more committed path and I wanted to check the parent was happy with me suggesting this to the student.

The parent knew that I cared and was grateful that I had taken the time

In all these cases, snatching a moment at the beginning or the end of a lesson didn’t seem appropriate. Email or phone might worry or alienate, and I didn’t want to get off to a bad start and for the conversation to veer into negative territory. After mulling over the first such situation I eventually decided to invite the parent to meet me in a local café for a cup of coffee.

This strategy worked out well; we got off to a positive start because the parent knew that I cared (which I did) and she was grateful that I had taken the time. We were on neutral ground and the conversation was relaxed and constructive. She opened up. Explanations were given, ideas were exchanged, stories were told and before we knew it ideas for dealing with the situation were forthcoming.

 After various other successes this is now my go-to when I confront any difficult issue. It was interesting to learn that the student for whom pressure was daunting had a super-successful elder sibling who sailed through everything with flying colours. It was also useful to know that the student’s school had also flagged this up as an issue and had recommended some potential support mechanisms and ways to navigate through this sensitive situation.

Altogether I felt that we had got things out into the open and, though I lost an hour or so of my time in the process, I have a weight off my mind – that is, until the next unusual scenario presents itself, as it surely will.

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