Nine lessons on juggling parenthood and being a musician: Aileen Reid

Discover more Featured Stories like this in The Strad Playing Hub

I’m Aileen Reid. I’m a single parent to my nine-and-a-half-year-old daughter, Ophelia, after separating and divorcing from her father, who also works in the music industry. 

I’ve been navigating through the crazy journey of parenthood while working as a musician, composer, agent, tour manager, band manager for Kinnaris Quintet, and as a florist, a children’s yoga & mindfulness teacher, a nursery teacher, a childminder, and a college student for some of that time. In that time, we (Ophelia and I) have waded our way together through divorce and legal proceedings, lockdowns, home-schooling, house moves, renovations, making and releasing albums, and many other adventures.

There’s not an expert on this planet who can advise you on how to raise your child - it’s the most protective instinct you’ll ever experience, and nothing can prepare you for it. When you’re an artist and/or self-employed, and your career choice lends itself to scrutiny for not being a reliable/normal/proper job with security, it can be hard to juggle it all when the prospect of children comes into the picture.

Everything is relative, though. Imagine no more music or arts in the world. Imagine no more generations of children to be the protectors of society, let alone carry on our music, stories, culture and traditions. We need to protect, encourage and support both in any way we can if we want them to continue.

In an attempt to navigate through this world as a single parent who plays music for a living, here are some of the lessons I’ve learnt to gain each of my silvery wisdom streaks (formerly known as grey hairs): 

1. There will never be a right time. For a new baby, a new project, or for anything really. There will always be something happening somewhere in the diary, but you’ll make it work. Remember you’re a creative person - taking risks, problem solving, being resourceful with what you have are skills you put into practice all the time. If you’re lucky enough to be able to have and raise children, I promise you it’s the greatest thing you’ll ever experience. 

2. Plans will rarely go to plan. You can plan until the cows come home, but babies have their own timings; they sense every hint of stress and know all too well when you’ve made endless plans. It’s some kind of sixth sense they have. You can almost guarantee they’ll get poorly the day before you plan to go on holiday. When plans inevitably go belly up, remember the world will keep turning. 

3. Give yourself two hours either side. Whatever the job, add on an extra two hours (same goes for DIY jobs!). When there’s a delay (gig, lift home, traffic, babysitter, separation anxiety, whatever may be a hurdle in the way of a smooth and swift transition), you aren’t flapping about quite as much or mega stressed going to work. And what a bonus if it ends up you have a little bit of free time to yourself breathe (or do all the other things on your list)! 

4. Pick your battles. With your child, partner/co-parent, mother and in-laws giving you advice on how to parent, and with your own self-deprecating guilt. You will not win every war. Save what precious energy you do have for the battles you really do need to fight. 

Save what precious energy you do have for the battles you really do need to fight

5. You’re at work - keep that mindset. It can be difficult to prioritise what’s work if there’s not a direct income/payment from that task. This is tenfold in music, as so little of the job now is the performance itself, with so much time needed for the endless admin and content for social media, rehearsals and independent learning, let alone the time spent travelling for gigs and recording sessions.

Few other industries would give you the freedom to turn up and carry out your job with your child to look after and entertain too. It works for some people on some occasions, but sometimes it’s not as easy as it seems taking your child to work with you, for all involved. Needs must at times, but consider how on the ball you are/aren’t, work out what’s realistically achievable with any timings and help you have, then take it from there. Your children will still be exposed to a life of music even if they don’t attend your gigs. 

6. Establish your role(s). If someone else would get paid for doing the job, it’s work. You need to make peace with what your job role and requirements are, otherwise you’ll live in constant turmoil about not being, doing, or receiving enough. Your job role can change when you’re ready. We’re not the first to have children and juggle work, but we’re not doing anyone any favours by pretending doing it all is easy.

Try to have set hours for working. Normalise prioritising what’s needed to make it all work. We’re guilty of trying to make it seem like we have ourselves together at all times. Tell promoters and organisers to give exact timings and information, as you need set hours to arrange childcare or provisions to bring help if need be.

Do not insult the role of a stay-at-home parent - it’s so full on. Be it homemaker, cleaner, cook, childcare provider, breadwinner, decorator - it’s all work in need of equal respect and understanding of what’s required. If you’d outsource and pay someone to do it, it’s a job, so give it the respect it deserves. 

7. This Too Shall Pass - it won’t be like this forever. Be it the lack of work creativity, income, adult interaction, or the desperation and exhaustion you’re experiencing from a newborn, teething toddler, or stroppy teenager - each age and stage will eventually change. Keep the faith. You’ll grow together and adapt to whatever the current stage requires.

Equally, every wee giggle, every bit of bumbling gobbledegook and chaos, every innocent and beautiful conversation about unicorns and where fairies live, every sleepy head on your chest you’d lie perfectly still all night for just to allow them a peaceful sleep - stop for a moment and cherish them with all your might, because these precious moments will pass, oh so very quickly. And these are the moments you cannot explain to anyone. If you’re lucky enough to know, you know. 

8. Don’t obsess over a strict routine. When babies and children are small, easy to carry, mostly feeding and sleeping, and have fewer things going on (things like school, friendships, clubs and various other commitments - you’ll spend your life running from one place to the next as your children grow and establish their own hobbies), this is the time to be as freelance as you want to be. Babies are small and easily transportable for a reason, and you’ll learn with each new age and stage that the early days are actually the easiest. 

9. Lower your expectations and you’re never quite as disappointed. This one may seem harsh, but it’s an all-round game changer: mentally plan as though you’re a single parent, even if you’re in a beautiful and solid team. Any help over and above becomes a bonus if you’re not expecting it. Don’t expect anyone else to understand, feel or truly empathise with whatever you’re going through as a parent, be it joy, pride, pain, sorrow, exhaustion, stress or worry.

Aileen Reid and Kinnaris Quintet perform at King’s Cross Summer Sounds Folk Festival Day on 26 August in Coal Drops Yard: https://www.kingscross.co.uk/event/summer-sounds-music-festival